Monday, December 20, 2010

Don't worry, I have a plan.

When my daughter was seven I was teaching her to play chess--you know, like my own dad taught me. The real reason dads do this is because it's so easy to beat a seven-year-old at chess. And I used to beat her regularly, just like my dad beat me. At chess, I mean.

Anyway, during one game she made a very ill-advised move and I (since I was trying to teach her) said, "Honey, are you sure you want to do that?"

"I have a plan," she said, smiling the sinister smile.

So she made the move and I promptly put her in check, taking her Queen in the process.

"Actually..." she said with perfect comedic timing, "...I don't have a plan."

But I do. And it's foolproof. And here it is:

I've been thinking about how to get rich in a sure-fire way. And not the praying real hard to Jesus kind-of-way, either. This plan is based on the real world, thank you very much. I'm not stupid.

But first a little background; an obvious fact that, until now, no one seems to have noticed but me. It seems that certain executives at certain financial institutions (there's only six left, I believe) regularly make salaries of several millions a year. Moreover, they get regular, annual, guaranteed bonuses of several Billion every year, regardless of how well or poorly they do. They don't do any work for it, either.

So, armed with this little-known secret, I've decided to apply for one of those jobs. I'm more than qualified. And they'd have to hire me because I want it so much. And I deserve it just as much as any of them. And I could really use a few billion dollars just about now, especially at Christmas time.

Rhonda Byrne, author of The Secret, says all you have to do to achieve your dream is to want it bad enough. And she's just about the smartest person in the world, certainly much smarter than  Also, about six million high school coaches have all said that in order to win your dream--whether it's a new bike or the State Championship--you just have to want it bad enough. It's like they all read Rhonda Byrne's book years before she had written it. If you lose, well, they guess you just didn't want it bad enough. This is the secret of The Secret.

This is how I know I'm going to get one of those twelve-figure CEO jobs: Because nobody wants it more than me...I.  When I wish for it I squeeze my eyes really extra super tight and say "really" many times in front of my prayer, so whoever it is responsible for bestowing winning lottery tickets in the universe will know how much I want it--and make it so.

That's my plan. It's beautiful in its simplicity. And it's foolproof. 

My ex-wife asked me what my backup plan was and I told her, "You never like anything I do." The irrefutable argument. That shut her up.

Then, another so-called friend also asked me if I had a backup plan (what? do these people conspire on Facebook to drag me down?). I was more patient with this friend. "To have a backup plan," I explained, "is to admit the possibility of failure. If failure is not an option, then you don't need a backup plan. And when you have a foolproof plan, such as mine, nothing can get in your way."

Her "Oh" said it all.

So, what do you want for Christmas?

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